None of them work.........
I don't know if I want to call those things resolutions anymore....
What's the point?
I mean I still write stuff down.
Some of it is lousy but it's a start,
I don't know if I have the heart to do them this year.
Is it fear getting in the way or do I just not want to be bothered?
Who knows?
Maybe it's just the fear of getting too caught up in the future to the point where I lose sight of the present.
A mouthful I know,
I'm quite verbose.

I used to know her.
We used to be best friends and then she just messed me the hell up
She put all of these unrealistic expectations on me when I wasn't ready.
She's in the past now.
There's too much beauty in the present.
I don't want to disappoint myself again.
Let's take this day by day,
Minute by minute,
Second by second.

we’re here

The past year is now an old friend
Can't believe we're here.
You made it,
I made it, 
We made it.
We survived, now it's time to thrive.
What is life without that?

The past year was somewhat better,
Somewhat worse.
Some of us had to adapt, 
Some of us are still in that process and some of us aren't there yet
Left with a lot said and unsaid,
Clear or cluttered heads,
Made and unmade beds.
I'm trying to sound hopeful but I'm in the middle,
The middle feels natural to me.

Happy New Year,
Can't believe we're here and I haven't shed a single drunk tear.
I don't know how I'm supposed to feel.
You were probably expecting something brighter,
Can't believe I'm here,
He got me through. 

seasonal sounds(a lame piece about a virtual concert I enjoyed.)

I wish I was there in person.
I was on a low,
Hearing the seasonal sounds and voices in unison has me on a high,
I'm still not over last night.
Little things like that can lighten the mood.

The TV gave me a hard time so the laptop had to suffice,
I sang along to the songs,
I laughed and cried, 
My face beamed with pride like I was there. 
My fears went away and for 90 minutes I got in the holiday spirit.
The anxiety left my body.
I was present in the moment,
My money was well spent,
I would do it again and again.

It's the vocal prowess, clarity and sincerity for me,
I sang along, sounded awful and I did not care,
I wanted to be there.
My worries?
The seasonal sounds put a smile on my face.
I needed that on a Sunday night. 

my beloved tree

Last minute and last minute only,
I'm alone but never lonely,
I love decorating my beloved tree.
The bells are shining for me and the background music is the best company. 
It's work making it look "pretty" but it's rewarding and comforting when its done.
I love the lights in my face, 
Everything feels in place on my beloved tree. 
The gold, red, blue, silver and green.

One of the things that always makes me happy during this time of the year.
10+ years strong,
I can't believe it has been that long,
Is it more?
People sharing stories of Christmas past while blasting the same nine Christmas albums before switching back to the radio never gets old.
My beloved tree,
An extension of me,
The Christmas spirit set free, 
Last minute and last minute only. 

that time

The lights in every corner,
Blue, green, red and gold everywhere you go,
That's when you know it's that time.
The inescapable winter chill,
Children discussing the thrill of opening presents on that day.
The joy in their smiles,
Malls and online stores going wild,
Retail workers hearing the same Christmas songs in a row for the umpteenth time,
Yup its that time.

The boots, mittens, scarves, coats, ponchos, throws and hats,
It's the fashion for me, 
All of it makes you wonder if you miss the summer heat,
The taste of hot cocoa, tea, lattes, coffee, apple cider,
It's the sweetness, warmth and comfort for me. 
The joy, heart, and genius in every song,
The Christmas spirit in every lyric and that one song that never leaves your head,
Come on you know the rest. 


How did I end up back here?
Frustration followed by a puddle of tears.
When will I learn?
I was good for a while,
Handled myself with style but now I'm just here again............
Frustration followed by a puddle of tears.

I'm trying to get to the core of this,
My impatience
.Am I allowed to even say this without someone thinking that I'm a mess who should be happier?
Am I allowed to write this?
I was supposed to be better..........
90 steps forward and the two steps back feel like 2,000.
Am I allowed to admit this?
Shouldn't I be embarrassed?

Here I am again,
I said I had it under control.
The world wants me to fake like I do,
Recovery will never be a linear process for me and sometimes,
It's difficult to accept that reality. 

milestone year

Happy to be here......... 
After long nights filled with tears,
 I made it to this milestone year.
There is so much joy in my heart,
So much excitement I don't know where to start.

I'm so happy to be here after hard days and pain I couldn't shake in the moment.
I made it.
I'm not the same person I was 5,
15 years ago.
I'm still growing,
Evolving and I'm finally embracing it.

My time is precious like raw diamonds and I'm not wasting it.
The moment is mine and my time is now.
I'm basking in the sunshine and smelling the fresh flowers from everyone that got me here.
I'm planting new seeds to grow flowers in my own garden.
I'm thanking God for being my home and calling me his own.

I made it to my milestone year.....................
If it wasn't for God I wouldn't be here.
Life isn't exactly crystal clear but give me some time..............................
I'm getting there.

I ruined my day

I got lost in my phone and I lost sight of the present.
I couldn't look away,
I messed up my day.
I was supposed to get dolled up and go out,
I was supposed to treat myself.
I can't forgive myself because I can't get that day back.

I can try to replicate the 28th but it won't be the same.......
I gave myself too many reasons to shed tears on my birthday and for that I take the blame.
If I could just go back to that day,
Hit rewind and play but I can't...
Saturday and Sunday felt like a birthday.
I was surrounded by love and I had an amazing time.
Then.........I hopped on social media the next day.
I forgot how grateful I was the day before.
I found myself wanting attention,
Seeking validation that I was never going to get.
My 25th year and I already have that regret.
Never again.
I'm not ruining my birthday anymore.


Who's to blame?
I guess it's the both of us......
Two key players in this game,
I'm ashamed.
There was a point where I carried it all on my back only to fall flat on my face................
When that was over,
 I shifted the blame.
I lost all sense of responsibility.
We can point fingers at each other this time.

Who's to blame?
Everything isn't your fault and everything isn't mine,
There's three sides to this story and God knows the gospel truth.
How did we get here?
Both of us need to take responsibility so we can work through things peacefully.
Joy and peace keeps me spiritually regulated and I want the same for you.
There's two sides to this coin,
Three sides to this story and God knows the gospel truth. 

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