An Episode

An Episode
Crying again,
Anxious again,
Feeling down again………….
Today was supposed to be a good day,
They say its just you getting in your feelings.
There’s a difference between being a “drama queen” and having an episode.
Learn it and learn it fast.

When you’re in the moment, it feels never ending no matter how much you try to tell yourself it’s okay,
Sometimes it goes beyond simply having a bad day.
It can be a build up of multiple things.
You try to tell yourself that this one doesn’t define you,
You won’t feel like this forever and it won’t be like this everyday.
You’re not the only one but right now it doesn’t feel that way.

You have somewhere to be tomorrow but you can’t sleep,
Thoughts keep you up and the tears won’t stop flowing but there is still comfort in knowing that it won’t be like this forever.


“Too Sensitive”

I’m taking this word back and if you don’t like it then I don’t know what to tell you.
No maybe you need to hear this because people love to look at sensitivity negatively and use it to insult me but you know what………………………
I’d rather be called “too sensitive” than be insensitive and I don’t care anymore………..
Don’t care if you hate the fact that I’m a crybaby.
If you can’t handle the waves then come out, find dry land, enjoy the hot sand sunbathe and get a healthy tan.
You want to hurt me by giving me a “reality check” but you need to check your self.

Rather be a crybaby than have no feelings at all.
The longer you hold stuff in the more damage occurs…………….
Yeah I think with my heart and I wear it on my sleeve proudly,
Sometimes it gets the best of me but I would not be me without wearing it,
It’s more than a fashion statement.
Look up “sensitive” and check your connotation.
I don’t care,
I don’t care anymore.

I use to hate this insult.
I used to take it to heart and some of it is hard and frosty because I internalized the words you said to me.
I listened to you,
I listened to all of you and now I’m trying to undo all of that.

This word used to break me down but now I’m reclaiming it,
I’m taking it back like the word fat but that’s another story.
I’m a freaking human……
I’m allowed to feel and I’m allowed to feel however I want.
I’m emotional and if you don’t like it,
I don’t know what to tell you anymore.
If you don’t like it,
There’s the door.
Yes, I’m a crybaby.
“You think that’s good?”
“Why are you proud of that? That’s nothing to be proud of?”
I said what I said.
And you wonder why stigma around feelings are emotions is still rampant
You wonder why people are afraid to say they’re hurting,
You wonder why that person never told you what they were struggling with…………….
Did you make room sis?
Did you think things through or did you only care about you?
I’m not apologizing for being me anymore.
YES, I’m sensitive.
I’d rather wear my heart on my sleeve than have no heart at all.

The Mood Is…………………… Looking In – Mariah Carey

The Mood is………………………  A new segment on this blog where I try to examine the emotional depth of certain works in popular culture(songs, movies, albums, television, literature, etc.). 

Looking In

Album: Daydream (1995)

Writer(s): Mariah Carey and Walter Afanasieff

“You look at me and see the girl, Who lives inside the golden world but don’t believe that’s all there is to see. You’ll never know the real me.”

Fun Fact: The closing track on Carey’s 1995 album Daydream was written in 15 minutes. Ever heard of the phrase “everything that glitters isn’t gold?” Well the message of this song encapsulates this quote perfectly. Carey opens the song with the line “You look at me and see the girl, that lives inside the golden world but don’t believe that’s all there is to see.” What is the golden world?  It is so easy to look at people we have it all and covet the things they have but the truth is we’re looking at the surface and nothing more. We can look at people we think have it all figured out and think that they’re happy of all of the time so when we they say “I’m not happy” or “I wasn’t happy” at a certain point of their lives we’re often in shock. Other people can also look at own lives and assume that we’re golden children in our golden world and that frustrates us because in our minds we think like Carey declares at the end of the first verse “You’ll never know the real me.”

“She smiles through a thousand tears and harbors adolescent fears. She dreams of all that she can never be. She wades in insecurity and hides herself inside of me.”

It is not uncommon to feel like when you are in certain settings that you have to put on a display of canned emotions that are not true to your true emotional state for the sake of professionalism or keeping up appearances. “Fake it til you make it.” is a saying a lot of us abide by. This display of canned emotions can often mask insecurity, embarrassment and hurt that we don’t want to make visible out of fear of appearing vulnerable or immature to certain individuals When we become adults some of us don’t like to admit to ourselves that we have insecurities or emotions that make us appear younger or more naive in thought in comparison to our peers.

“Don’t say that she takes it all for granted. I’m well aware of all I have. Don’t think that I am disenchanted. Please understand.”

When someone has success and prestige or what looks like a perfect life it is easy to assume that they’re complaining or acting ungrateful when they say that they aren’t happy with their lives. The protagonist is assuring the listener that she is grateful for her success and all that she has acquired from it and asking the listener to extend empathy toward her vulnerability and look at her humanity and the actual person underneath the “winner” or superstar. When we talk about the hardships in our lives, some people get so frustrated because they think “oh here he is complaining again” or “She has all of this, what is complaining for?” “Why can’t they be happy? If I had what they have, I would be happy.” It is ok to acknowledge our trials in our lives while also reflecting on the triumphs.

“It seems as though I’ve always been somebody outside looking in. Well here I am for all of them to bleed but they can’t take my heart from me and they can’t bring me to my knees. They’ll never know the real me.”

This last verse is like a realization and assertion/declaration of who the protagonist is. While Carey is pouring her heart out and being vulnerable with her audience and some people may take that as weakness, Carey is saying that they cannot break her and who she is. People may think they know who she is but she knows who she actually is. There is power in knowing who you truly despite others around you trying to define it for you.

Step Outside (The Same Tune)

Singing the same song but who’s listening?
It can happen to anyone, anywhere now.
NOW has been the time forever,
We have to do better………………….
This is not who we are,
Do we want this to be our legacy?

More tragedy,
More grief.
We should be able to live our lives freely without worrying about what’s gonna happen,
That’s not happening……
Another one,
Another one.
Too many.

Singing the same tune but who’s listening?
Had to turn it off,
I couldn’t internalize it.
It was going to ruin my day,
My heart breaks.
No one should be afraid to step outside even after prayer,
I hate the pattern.
Why is this normal?
Why should we feel afraid to step outside and live our lives?
Singing the same tune but who’s listening?

The Next High

Rock bottom,
Lowest of lows…………….
What do you do and where do you go?
So many emotions…………..
Life was supposed to go one way but it went in a different direction,
You look at your reflection and feel disappointment.
You want better for yourself.
Well, it can only go up from here,
Sad tears are okay.
When all of this is over,
They will leave your face and you will find your place in this world.

Work hard and be patient,
Your time is coming.
When it comes,
Will you be prepared?
Will you be ready?
I know this feels like the worst blow in the world right now but the next high will stun you.
It will be more than you ever dreamed of.
You will have success, happiness and love,
You just have to get through this rough patch right now.

Life isn’t over,
You just have to figure things out.
The next high will feel so good…………
The success will be earned,
It will feel authentic and so good.
The lowest of lows are followed by the highest of highs.

The next high will change your life for the better and you will be a better person because you knew how it felt to fight.
You will reach the finish line……………
Don’t worry about the time,
You will reach the finish line.
Don’t let life’s setbacks and heartbreak deter you from crossing the finish line,
Your time will come and the feeling will be indescribable.
You will be so overcome with emotion that you will have no words.

Life happened to you and that’s okay.
Don’t let the heartbreak and discouragement from rejection take your drive away.
If you are living and breathing,
If there is air in your lungs then you have a purpose.
You’re not a waste of space.
You were put on this earth to make an impact.
The next high will overshadow this low.

You Use Music

When I’m in distress,
You use music to calm me down.
When you want my attention,
You use music to pull me in…………….
When I’m worried about the future,
You use music to help me focus on the here and now.
Melodies are like balms,
They heal wounds.
Lyrics are like prophecies or pearls of wisdom that get you through the moment,
The day,
Instruments evoke emotions,
The parts of yourself that you thought were dead.

The song does something to you,
Makes you want to cry,
Makes you want to move.
You use music to show that you love me,
Melodies can set people free.
Melodies make people come alive in ways that they never thought was possible.

Music makes you think about your dreams.
Dreams that you want to come true
Good music is like comfort food you can’t get enough of…………
You use music to speak to me………..
Music starts conversations.
We need music.
I don’t know who I would or where I would be without it.
You use music to remind me that I am enough and that you love me.
You use it to show you care.

Music is there for you when you feel alone,
When you don’t feel at home with yourself,
When you don’t have the answers to everything and you need help,
When you’re lost and you’re trying to figure everything out.
When you just want to feel warm and loved,
Like a real hug or a cup of hot cocoa or cozy covers,
The embrace of a lover.

You use music to remind me of who I am and who you are.
When my heart’s restless,
You use music to calm me down.
When I feel like life is rough,
You use music to soothe my soul.

You Can’t Have Me

I will be okay,
I will be okay.
I will be okay!
You can’t have me,
I don’t belong to you,
Don’t work for you and I don’t owe you anything…………………….

I will feel better,
I will be better.
My life is going to be exceptional and my dreams will come true,
Nothing you say or do will stop me.
You can’t have me.
Your lies aren’t true,
You will not consume me,
I’m gonna be happy,
Go ahead,
Try to stop me.
I will fight for my happiness and you will not win.

You can’t have me….
When you enter my mind, I will always find away to escape because you are not my final destination.
I don’t belong in the dark,
I don’t want to be there.
I have things to do.

I will get better.
Great things are ahead for me.
I will not let you stop me…………………….
Blessings are ahead and I know you don’t want to hear me say that but blessings are ahead.
The pain in my head will go away,
My fear will turn into faith,
I will get out of this state,
I will be okay.

You get wounded,
You get hurt,
You recover and then you get back up.
I will not be in this state forever.
I have a calling over my life,
I matter.
Someone loves me,
People love me.
I’m gonna speak all the things you don’t want me to say into existence.
You want me to give up but I can’t.
I won’t,
That is not who I am,
Too much fire in these bones,
Too much.
You can’t have me,
I am his.

Hits Home

We don’t care until it affects us personally,
We don’t care until it hits home.
Our eyes open and we realize that it could happen to us.
It’s not so far away and its closer than we thought.
Guess we underestimated it,
Felt disconnected from it.

There’s so much to say,
Why do I feel numb right now?
Is my body not letting me?
My mind preventing me…………….
I had to log off, disconnect but how can you when its all over the news feed in your mind,
The one next to the memories of what was,
We don’t care until it hits home.

Hope and Heartache

There’s so much to look forward to,
The future looks bright,
I mean…..I guess.
This is supposed to be the cure to her hopelessness but she’s still stressed,
Working through the regret.
How do you put your heart back together after it falls to the floor and breaks?
How much can one person take?
She’s still trying to get over heartbreak.
Her heart still aches.

She’s doing better but the pain is still there.
She doesn’t want her heart to get broken again.
It’s still fragile,
Why is it so fragile?
She can’t put more strain on her already fragile heart
She doesn’t want to fall apart again
No, not again.
So much to do how is she gonna get through?

Her heart is not complete yet,
Some pieces are still on the floor.
She want to pick up the pieces but its hard.
She takes it day by day until the pain goes away.
There’s so much to look forward to but she a tendency to look back and it holds her back.

Hope is easier said than done,
She just wants some.
She doesn’t want to fight with her mind and if it is a battle, she wants to win this time.
She’s trying to pick up the last piece of her heart from the ground,
She just wants a sound mind.

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