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Things Will Fall In Line

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Twenty-Two

If I Let You Get to Me…………

If I let you get to me,
I won’t get anywhere.
I have goals ,
Dreams and ambition,
I’m not gonna let this condition me anymore………….
I need to wash this out.
This is not what I want to be about.
I can’t let this throw me off….
If I let it throw me off then I won’t do well.
I want to do well,
I want to excel.

I can’t let you break me,
Can’t let you take advantage of me.
I have a lot to lose and I can’t let you get the best of me.
I have to what’s best for me…….
Can’t let you get to me,
Why am I letting this bother me?
I’m losing so much of my dignity,
My sanity.
What’s wrong with me?
I’m letting this get to me,
I need to stop indulging in my own negativity.
I need to let go,
Let God and let things be .
I can’t let this get to me.
Why is this getting to me?
I need to breathe.
Things will work out.
I’m approaching the finish line,
My time is coming,
The birds are humming.
I. Can’t. Let. This. Get. To. Me.
I have to set my mind free,
My focus needs to be on the plans God has for me,
I have goals you see.
I have to get through this.
There’s this part of me that knows I can do it,
I can get through it
I don’t wanna lose it,
Sometimes it feels like I am but I’m gonna get back up again.

This is bothering me but its not gonna break me.
Its trying to………….
I’ve spent nights crying over it and its affecting me.
Why am I letting this get to me when I have so much ahead of me?
So much life,
So much promise,
Opportunities,
Its exciting even though my anxiety tries to convince me otherwise.
I. Can’t. Let. This. Get. To. Me.
If I let this get to me,
I won’t get anywhere.

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When Are You Going to Stop?

You’re letting people steal your energy,
Joy,
Zest,
Strength,
Drive,
Your love for life,
Why?
I need you to start living your life for you.
Stop being obsessed with what other people do,
Do you.
You’re the biggest people pleaser I know and why have you got to show for it?
It is one of your biggest weaknesses.
STOP trying to make EVERYONE like you,
Everyone isn’t going to like you and that’s okay,
Mind your business and go about your way.
Don’t let someone dim your day,
Take away your faith,
Get in your way or put a frown on your face,
You deserve to smile and feel a warm embrace.

You are no one’s doormat,
Got that?
You are no one’s trash bag.
Wash rag………..
When are you going to stop letting people do that to you.
This is distracting you,
You are trying too hard to make everybody like you.
You. Try. Too. Hard.
I know its hard but there are some battles that you are going to have to fight through.
When will it stop?
You will never rise to the top if you continuously worry about pleasing people.
This is a learned behavior,
It’s second nature.
Its no longer a chore,
Its a bore………………………..
Where is your self-esteem?
Tell me because I don’t see it all,
You’re gonna let other people’s opinions of you be your downfall.
You need to know what’s best for you,
People will say what they want to.
Stop forcing them to like you because I don’t know if its gonna happen.
There’s a 50/50 chance,
You’re extremely flawed but you have a big heart.
The people that love you see that,
Don’t let this tear you apart.
When are you going to start living your life for you,
See that’s what you need to do.
Stop trying to pursue what everyone else wants you to pursue,
What about you?
This people-pleasing disease is destroying you.
You give everyone else so much power but where is that power for you?
It’s in there somewhere………

Powerless

I feel so defenseless,
Helpless,
This is stressing me out.
I’m not getting any sleep,
Self-care is not a thing for me,
I feel so weak,
So powerless.
So tense,
My mind is so dense,
There’s a lot of content.
The weight is too heavy,
Why am I carrying all of this?
It’s so heavy.
It doesn’t need to be.
This is getting to me I can feel it in my entire being,
Steam is coming out of my head,
It’s hard to sleep,
It’s hard to go to bed,
I wish my head wasn’t so dense.
p o w e r l e s s

I feel like less than a human and I’m a slave to my own fear……
It’s like prison………..
It’s hard to get out of here,
The fear paralyzes me.
Where’s my peace of mind?
That’s hard to find right now,
I feel like I can’t express my thoughts out loud,
I’m afraid of someone hearing me shout,
I can’t get this out.
I feel so,
P O W E R L E S S
I can’t think about my blessings right now,
Not when my complaints are too loud,
No I can’t think about them right now even though I shout but in my mind that wouldn’t do me any good.
Why should I?
Sigh………..
I just want this stress out of my life.
Why is this happening to me?
Why can’t I just get by?
I’m afraid of eating this bitter and sour piece of the pie.
When is it going to taste sweet again?
I feel so exhausted,
So tired.
I need to take my power back but it feels like a stretch,
Gotta take my power back but it feels like fetch.
This stress,
I hate feeling powerless.
I feel like less of a person.
I’m trying to find the last bit of strength in me left.

P-O-W-E-R-L-E-S-S

Painful,
On edge.
When will it
End. You need a
Resolution. You need your
Life back. On
Edge. Life is a bumpy road it’s not
Smooth. All is not lost, you will get your power back
Soon.

My Own Stigma

I’m embarrassed.
Why do I have to deal with this?
Why am I this way?
I don’t want to say anything……………
I don’t want to talk about it,
I’m ashamed of it.
I don’t wanna speak,
Don’t wanna look weak……….
I don’t want people to lose respect for me.
What if they think I’m too messy?
That anxiety messes with me.

I want to be seen as the strong one,
The one that has it all together but does anyone really ever have it together?
I guess talking about it would make it better but I’m afraid to………
What if you judge me?
I don’t want you to lose respect for me.
I don’t want you to say I’m being dramatic………….
I just want support.
Why is it so hard for me?
I need to let go of my over-inflated ego.
Why am I holding on to it?
Admitting that you need help is not a sign of weakness it’s the opposite.
You need to admit it in order to get better.
You don’t have to weather this the storm alone.
I hate being emotional,
What if I become uncontrollable?
I don’t want people to call me crazy or lazy because life is getting me down but I can’t control what people are going to say.
I need to stop predicting that fate,
I hate crying in front of people,
I feel like I look disgusting,
Why does it make me feel like I’m nothing when I’m clearly feeling something?
Everything really,
Why does it feel so dirty when I’m trying to feel clean?
What does all of this mean?
I keep on going back to the word “crazy”
Why does that upset me so much?
I need to be in touch with this side of me.
I can’t hide forever.

Still Not Better

Right now.
There’s so much pressure to be better………………right now.
No you’re still struggling,
You’re still fragile.
You’re trying,
You feel better sometimes but it doesn’t last a long time,
Yup that’s life……………..
Relapses are real,
You tell yourself they’re not supposed to happen but they do and when they do,
You say cruel things to yourself along the lines of……..
“I’m pathetic.”
“I STILL need help!”
“I want to be well.”
You hate being down,
You’re trying to get out but its taking too long.
You’re _________ age and you’re supposed to have your
together.
You feel like you’re behind,
Behind everyone else that results in you not being kind to yourself.
You still need help and that’s okay.
Its okay to admit that to yourself,
Your chapter 1 is someone else’s chapter 45 and vice versa.
No one is better than the other.
You want to beat this but life keeps on beating you down,
Down to the ground.
The fact that you get up out bed every morning is a testament to your strength.
You don’t your strength.
Recovery is not perfect but it is worth it.
It is possible.
Happiness is possible,
Health is possible.
Your dreams are achievable.
You can change,
You can recover,
Don’t beat yourself up because you’re still not better,
The darkness is not going to last forever,
The light has to come out.
You will come out,
Don’t miss this opportunity to fix it,
This is not weakness,
This is vulnerability.
There is untapped beauty in that,
That is a fact.
It’s okay to admit that you’re not okay.
There’s nothing dirty about that,
It doesn’t make you an unworthy person and that’s that.
You’re still not better but if you just weather this storm.
The chill will fade away,
The rain will dry up and you will fee

Don’t Tell Me To

A Note: A lot of people have been in this place mentally including myself. Every emotion is valid. Just know that there is something beautiful on the other side of your struggle.

Don’t tell to think positive,
I’m feeling down.
Don’t tell me that everything is alright or going to be alright when it’s a mess.
Don’t tell me that to believe when I have no faith.
I’m trying to see the light but I can’t.
It’s not good right now,
I’m not right right now,
I feel bare right now.
I feel abandoned and shattered right now.

I don’t know how to feel.
Who’s peeling onions in here?
Oh yeah that’s me,
I’m the one who got myself in this catastrophe,
I’m caught up in the negativity and it feels like I can’t get out,
I want you to show me how but not now.
You’re trying to tell me that I’ll be okay but I don’t see it right now,
All I see is a grey sky and clouds.
You want me to smile now,
No, I feel like pouting.
I’m doubting any and everything,
I’m a caged bird and I want to sing but I’m silencing my own voice.
I want to sing but I feel like I don’t deserve it,
Am I worth it?
I want my life to be perfect,
I can’t handle this reality check,
I can’t wait for my real checks.
Wait…………..
I need to check myself there’s more to life than just that,
Cash is just the cherry on top.

Don’t tell me that I need to stop crying right now because I can’t stop,
I can’t its hard.
I feel like my life is falling apart,
Its hard.
I want to get up but not right now,
It hurts too much ouch,
This hurts too much ouch.
I need to shut my mouth,
I need time to figure things out.
In my heart of hearts I know that things will get better but I can’t see it now.
I guess I’m waiting for external wealth,
Internal wealth is worth more but thinking about that alone is a bore but its worth.

I Can’t Get To You

You’re so far away……..
I just want to know that you’re okay,
I would give anything to see your face,
Be in the same place at the same time,
This is hurting my mind.

I don’t want anything to happen to you,
I hate the fact that I can’t get to you,
I want to run to you but its not that easy,
I just want you next to me………
Next to me,
I want your safety…………..
You’re so far away,
I don’t know what to say….
I miss you,
The things I would do to be next to you but I can’t………….
Your linger,
Your scent,
Your face,
Your embrace.
I crave it.
I just want you to be okay because I’m not.
I want you right here with me,
I want you to be safe.
I want to see you right now but I can’t.
You have to be where you are and I want to be there too,
I want to be with you,
I miss you.
You’re so far away,
I hope you’re safe.
Please don’t get hurt,
I don’t want to lose you.
You ground me,
I need you around me but you’re not.
You’re telling me to get over it but that’s just too hard to do right now,
I can’t believe unloading like this,
Wow.

What’s wrong with me?
I guess I’m in my feelings.
I hate being there.
Is it endearing or is it weak?
Can I even speak?
The thought of you being in possible danger makes me weep,
I hope the lord keeps you safe,
I need to keep the faith,
I need to believe that you’re going to be okay…….
That you’ll be in God’s grace,
I need to keep the faith.

Uncertainty PT. 2

Everything up in the air……….
Honestly, I don’t know where to go from here.
I’m confused,
I’ve go a lot to lose.
I’m doing what I can do but what if its not enough,
Life is rough.
I want happiness so badly,
Dear lord take me back to a time when I was happy and not stuck with this uncertainty……………………
I don’t know what your plans are for me but I need relief,
I just want to be happy again.
I don’t want to feel this,
I hate dealing with this,
This never ending pit in my stomach,
The never ending doubt in my mind,
I’m trying to find peace but its constantly leaving me.
Why do I feel like its hiding from me……..
All I want is peace,
Peace of mind,
Why is that so hard to find?
Uncertainty,
Uncertainty is sitting with me and most days its hard to move,
It’s hard to do the things I want to do,
I need to do.
The worry is chronic,
Positivity?
I wish I was on it,
I wish I was optimistic but I’m not.
It’s hot and humid outside but I feel cold and dry on the inside and ironically I’m shedding tears right now,
You weren’t supposed to hear that wow……
I don’t like discussing that,
I’m disgusted of that,
I don’t like people seeing me cry because I feel like that makes me look pathetic.
Why?
Sigh……………….
I’m trying to go about my day but this feeling won’t go away,
Its hard to chase,
Hard to let it fade,
It drives you crazy.
You feel like you’re at your breaking point.
What’s the point of trying to do this when I’m going to get nothing?
I came here for something…………….
I feel like a nobody right now,
I don’t know where my future is headed I sit with that uncertainty everyday,
I hate this pain,
Its a strain.
What am I going to gain from all of this?
I guess strength.

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